Would You Confide in Your Pastor?

Last week I spent a wonderful hour chatting with ten high school students on the Campus of George Fox University in Newburg, Oregon. We were attending together the Reformed Youth Services (RYS) National Convention.

On this particular evening, rather than use their free time to play games the students agreed to chat with me about how they relate to their pastors. (The questions I asked were carefully designed to yield general information rather than personal and pointed criticisms of their pastors.) I was greatly helped by the time we spent together.

Of the several questions we discussed I found the answers to this one the most insightful: “How likely are you to share a personal sin with your pastor?”

Perhaps not surprisingly, none of the students said they would be likely to share a personal sin with their shepherd. The reasons they gave are notable.

Some of the students were concerned about confidentiality. Some were confident of their pastor’s ability to keep a matter confidential. They were less confident of the same ability of their pastor’s wives. One of the students (tactfully) explained that someone once confided with a youth pastor and everyone got in trouble.

Others said that the thought of sharing a personal struggle with their pastor would never occur to them and that they would likely talk with someone else first. One of the students observed that it would be a little unusual to confide a problem in their pastor since they don’t have a real open relationship with him on a regular basis.

One girl admitted not wanting to share a struggle because of how struggling people are sometimes perceived in the church.

Although I was saddened by answers the students gave I guess I should not be shocked. After all, I know how judgmental I can be (as a pastor) if only in the secret recesses of my heart. I also know how vigilantly I sometimes protect myself by putting up barriers to closeness and openness.

This informal survey suggests to me the following:

1. Pastors should strive to be more approachable. (For more on this topic click here). This will mean, in part, proving an ability to keep matters confidential as appropriate. It will also mean taking an active interest in the lives of our teens not only when there is trouble.
2. Our church communities need to become more comfortable with acknowledging and lovingly handling our flaws. The phrase “Churches are filled with sinners” is often quoted. The implications of this slogan are less frequently lived out.
3. Pastors should commit specific time in their schedules to meaningfully interacting with their teens. In this regard I’m at least as guilt as the next pastor. The thing is, our teens are not only the next generation of leaders. They are also sheep that desperately need shepherding…now.

Thanks again, to the teenagers who were willing to spend some time helping me understand how important it is for the church to be the church; a people who, although called into a special relationship with God and with each other still have real struggles. It is each of our responsibilities to help carry these struggles (Galatians 6:2).