A couple of years ago in preparation for the Christmas holiday my extended family got together and all decided that everybody’s money was tight, so we were going to work out a gift exchange “program” instead of our usual everybody-give- gifts-to-everybody approach. Our plan was to still buy gifts for the increasing number of children, but the adults would pull one name out of a hat and buy only that person a gift. We even had a questionnaire for each adult to fill out with your likes, dislikes, shoe size, and waist measurement. Some people were kind enough to go so far and put some specific things they wanted. The last stipulation was that we were to spend around $30 for the gift. In response to this my brother, who has a knack for seeing through things like this said, “So our gift exchange is going to be a bunch of people exchanging $30 with each other: ‘Here’s your $30’, ‘Oh thank you so much, here’s your $30…’”

Tis’ the season for gift giving again and in light of that, I have noticed many people seem to misunderstand exactly what giving and receiving a gift means. Sadly this is true even among Christians, who of all people should understand the true meaning of a gift.

The first ditch we can fall into is to be a grudging gift giver – to have the attitude that the only time we are to give a gift is if we, too, are to get something back of equal value. The example above is based on just that premise. We can’t have people giving out gifts to 25 people when only 10 of those 25 people are going to give gifts back. That’s not “fair” to give 25 gifts and only get 10 back, right? And that is precisely where the problem is. Fairness is a question of justice, but the very concept of a gift has nothing to do with being fair or just. I could cite the definitions of the very word to prove my point but I don’t think I need to. We all know what giving a gift should be, and that it should be given freely without any expectation of payment in return.

The second ditch on the other side of the road is to be a guilty gift getter. This is the person who feels obligated to repay a gift they receive. Often fueled by the presence of the grudging gift giver (real or perceived), this person is motivated by guilt and fear of being judged of being cheap. After all, the Bible does call us to be generous, so why not want to give a gift in return for a gift? Well, that’s all well and good if you feel like freely giving a gift in return. What I am talking about though is the problem of being motivated by guilt and fear. If that is your motivation, it is not a gift.

So why do we fall into these ditches? While we can list many reasons for falling into either of the ditches, the main reason for both is that we lose sight of the true gift giver, who invented and defined the very concept of a free gift. We forget exactly how needy we are and how unimaginably giving our God is. We forget the Gospel of God’s free grace, and that “by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Eph. 2:8-9).

How then do we avoid these two ditches? First, if you tend to be a grudging gift giver, meditate on how God gives us his gifts. The root sin here is pride, so humble yourself by remembering how needy you are and how undeserving you are of God’s gifts. Realize that every day you take more from God than you could ever pay back, even if you wanted to (Acts 14:17, James 1:17). God created you; He preserves you; and even in our rebellion, He provides our redemption and reconciliation through Christ. And He does all this not begrudgingly nor conditionally, but joyfully and freely.

Once we are humbled by how freely God gives to us, and that all of our gifts to others are just an overflow of His grace, how can we not be cheerful givers? So if you are the type of person whose gifts usually have strings attached, challenge yourself this year to give like God. Give more than you normally would. Be careful that you don’t even give a subtext of expecting something back. When you give like this, you will be happier because you will be more like God.

Second, if you tend to be a guilty gift getter, you may have a good sense of your unworthiness before God. But there are a few things for you to remember as well. Remember how freely God gives and that when getting a gift from God, our only job is to receive it with thanksgiving. Even the greatest gift of God’s own Son is to be received by faith, not by anything you do. Let that remind you and define for you how you are to receive all gifts. There is no need to feel guilty or ashamed of how unworthy you are, God knows that and gives to you anyway.

The biggest problem for the guilty gift getter though, is the fact that often people don’t give like God does. Gifts are often given with strings attached, and the receiver can rightfully perceive this and feel ashamed. In this case remember that they are the ones with the problem, that they are the ones that don’t understand the meaning of a gift. So if you tend to feel guilt when receiving a gift, challenge yourself to receive like God says you should – with hearty thanksgiving, regardless of the true motives of the giver. Don’t try to delve into whether people think you should give something back, or whether you are cheap. Free yourself from the fear of judgment and be a happy gift getter.